Seven Things to START Doing

Last time we discovered the things we need to STOP doing that are sabotaging our marriage. In this blog, let's look at things we need to START doing to have a loving and thriving marriage.

I think sometimes we married couples spend so much time in what Gottman calls Negative Sentiment Override (NSO), that is, doing all the things mentioned in my previous blog, and it becomes nearly impossible to see through the negativity to something positive. There are many great techniques to counteract this behavior and we will explore those in upcoming blogs. But for now, we will take a look at what Stephen Arterburn in his book, The 7 Minute Marriage Solution, suggests. He came up with these solutions based on, in his words, “years of extensive study based on hundreds of couples’ experiences in our New Life Marriage Weekend workshops, a research project from the Center for Bible Engagement, and my own personal experience.” So, along with the seven things to STOP doing, he discusses the seven things to START doing:

·      Start embracing friendship and fun

“A little humor and fun may be your best path to restoring or renewing or revitalizing a relationship.”

“Friendship forms the foundation for the fun and humor that make marriage enjoyable at times and endurable at others.”

·      Start responding romantically to your mate

“Sexual satisfaction comes from investing in the other person’s joy and pleasure. It does not come from seeking to gratify yourself.”

“What really fuels romance in a marriage is for each mate to put the other first and be continually attentive to the other’s needs.”

·      Start expressing grace and forgiveness

“Forgiveness must be accomplished without accepting or condoning the hurtful behavior.”

“You should forgive your mate simply because you love him or her. That is why God forgave you, and that alone is reason enough to forgive each other.”

·      Start affirming your mate’s strengths

“The more you accept the other person, the more likely it is that your mate will transform into the best he or she can be.”

“The way of love, the way of commitment, and the way of Christ is to accept the flaws and weaknesses of your mate and love in spite of them.”

·      Start spending money responsibly

“Communicate to each other hopes and expectations that involve money and make a budget that accommodates both necessities and dreams.”

“To avoid financial disaster, you must close your ears to the siren voices of government and alluring TV commercials urging you to spend your way to prosperity.”

·      Start practicing your lifetime vows

“God looks upon a vow as an extremely serious thing”

“Wedding vows are crucial because in the presence of witnesses the couple makes a solemn promise to stick to the rules even when they feel the powerful pull of their wants and urges.”

·      Start showing respect no matter what

“Just about every problem can be boiled down to a lack of respect.”

“You can’t respect a person while criticizing, trying to change, nagging, hiding money from, or ignoring your spouse.”

This week, which of these things will you commit to START doing? Share with the rest of us how you plan to start. And see what’s new on my website: www.buildinglastinglove.com

Next time: The Seven Minutes that Matter Most

Fixing Your Marriage is Easier Than You Think

Every married couple wants to have a good marriage. No one stands at the altar thinking, “Well this is probably going to be really difficult, but I guess I’ll go ahead and give it a try.” Noooo, we go into marriage with high hopes and visions of romance and fun and never-ending adventure. At least that’s what my hubby and I envisioned. But everyday life, kids, in-laws, money, colliding personalities and other things seem to circumvent that dream, and we even find ourselves doing and saying things we never imagined we would.

In Stephen Arterburn’s book, The 7 Minute Marriage Solution, he points out how much more difficult we make marriage than it has to be. He states, “If we’re honest with ourselves, we all know the self-defeating thoughtless things we do everyday.” He then goes on to list some of those things:

We use put-down humor or criticize our mate in     public

    

   We try to change our mate into the “perfect” spouse

   We run up credit card debt or secretly spend money

   We nag and complain about our mate’s flaws

   We manipulate, give the silent treatment, or say harsh things in anger

   We hold grudges and refuse to forgive our mate’s mistakes

Arterburn gives us a simple way to build a strong marriage and it’s easier than you think:

STOP doing negative things and START doing positive ones. Wow! That is simple.

The things we need to STOP doing?

1.  Stop clinging to unrealistic expectations

“Dashed expectations result from too little time spent getting to know the other person. Before marriage, both put their best foot forward, and the other foot is not exposed until after the honeymoon. And each partner is shocked to see how ugly that foot turns out to be.”

“You and your spouse can live happily ever after- but only if both of you are willing to work through the issues and differences you brought into the marriage.”

2.  Stop obsessing on the past

“If you don’t build this bridge to the past- from where you are now to the cause of the pain- you will never truly know your spouse even after years of being together.”

3.  Stop drowning in suspicion and jealousy

“If distrust exists in your marriage, begin now to take positive steps to uncover the causes and then work on those issues to rebuild trust.”

4.  Stop trying to change your mate

“Trying to fix a mate with criticism and judging is like trying to alter a suit with hammer and nails.”

“Sometimes God does not remove the burden from us. Instead he does for us what he did for Paul: He gives us the grace and strength to bear it.”

5.  Stop seething in anger and resentment

“There are ways to be angry and yet keep anger from controlling your life and ruining your relationships.”

“Some conflict in marriage is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to build a wall or destroy intimacy.”

6.  Stop tolerating compulsions and addictions

“We’re in this marriage together, so together let’s work through the problem and get things back the way they should be.”

“Some situations should never be tolerated.”

7.  Stop focusing only on your interests

“Relationship, especially the marriage relationship, forces selfishness out of you.”

“What little things can you do to improve your mate’s life or to make your mate’s day better?”

That last suggestion is your Call to Action today. Comment and let me know how it goes. Or visit my website at: www.buildinglastinglove.com

Next time: Things to START doing.

Welcome Back

Welcome back to “A Marriage Made in Heaven.” Since my last post, that old saying “time flies when you’re having fun” definitely applies to my life. A lot has happened in our family including the birth of three babies (Titus-17 mths, Luke- 6 mths, and Brooke-4 mths) and another little boy is on the way (Gideon). Sono Harris used to say, “nothing grows faster than children” and it’s so true. So, it’s wonderful to have little ones around. They have added so much joy and lots of smiles and laughter already.

Another great achievement is the completion of my PhD program in counseling, so you can officially call me Dr. Phyl. JK. I have also finished levels 1 and 2 of Gottman training and my husband and I are certified to lead the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work workshops so be on the lookout for dates you can attend. It will rock your marriage!

My awesome hubby and I have enjoyed several trips to Seattle, San Francisco, NYC and, our favorite respite, Key West. These trips are elixir for us. We will talk more about the need for couples to find time to “get away from it all” in future blogs.

I have also been very busy (with the help of a professional- Skip Athey with Small Business Grow: www.smallbusinessgrow.com) getting my new website ready to launch. There you will find lots of info about marriage relationships and what it takes to build lasting love. In fact, that’s what it’s called: www.buildinglastinglove.com

I hope you will visit my site and share it with others. My hope is that all this training and education will not be in vain but that the Lord would use me to help couples build strong marriages and families and enjoy them as much as I do mine.

We’ll start by taking a look at Stephen Arterburn’s book, The 7 Minute Marriage Solution. We’ll discover 7 things to STOP doing, 7 things to START doing and 7 minutes that matter the most. Stay tuned…

A Marriage Made In Heaven?

By Jay Lippy (infamous husband and gift-giver to Phyl)

Have you ever thought about the name of this blog and what it might really mean?

I think it is a great name and it is probably what most every one of us hopes for … a marriage that is made in heaven. Kind of has a nice ring to it, does it not?

But think about it for a moment – what is marriage? And if it is truly made in heaven, is it possible to have it right here on earth? Okay, so now I’m going to get personal real fast … what has your experience in marriage been? Has it been one ongoing party like it was the night of your wedding? Has it been one continuous stream of bliss and joy like the first few months after the wedding? Really, what have the years been like for you? Has your marriage reflected the hope of heaven? Has it been refreshing and scented with the fragrance of angels as they played their harps?

If you said yes, then please make some room for me because I am coming right over as I need a mentor who can teach me how to have that kind of a relationship! (By the way, if you said yes, you are probably the very same people who profess to have never had an argument with your spouse. To be candid, those people just freak me out of my gourd! I don’t mean to be mean, but they are either not telling the truth, they don’t have enough passion, or they don’t have an opinion worth defending.)

I’ve officiated more wedding ceremonies of starry eyed lovers than I can recall and then a few years later listened to heart breaking tales of marriages that were meant to be “made in heaven” but what seemed like the pits of hell. I’ve heard tender promises of enduring love expressed while couples stood in front of family, friends, and the hosts of heaven and then in my office listened as one-time lovers tear each other’s hearts apart because they are tired of being hurt, ignored, and disappointed by unfulfilled promises. Made in heaven? Perhaps the intention of marriage might be, but why then can the daily grind of life on earth tarnish what has so much promise?

Can a marriage made in heaven? I’m really not asking a rhetorical question.

I fully realize that your marriage is none of my business, but it should be your business. Are you and your spouse being intentional about it? Are you both working on it? God is very interested in your marriage because He loves you and cares deeply about the condition of one of the most significant institutions He ever established.

After being married for nearly 34 years, I’ve learned that marriage unveils what I try to hide – that I am a fallen individual and I have issues. I am a sinner, I have flaws, and sometimes I do and say things that are just downright mean and hurtful. I’ve learned that marriage uncovers my weakest areas and reveals to my family that in spite of wanting to get it right, I still seem to get many things wrong. I’ve come to realize that being married is just about the hardest thing I have ever had to do because when I stand and speak in public, I can’t hide the truth from the one person who knows everything about me in private – my wife.

Have you had enough reality yet? Let me throw one more dose at you before we end this little love fest. In the midst of this grind, grace and forgiveness still exist. A marriage made in heaven, to me, means that because of an intimate walk with Jesus Christ I can learn how to extend kindness to the person I sleep with, live with, walk with, am hurt by, and disappointed by, am failed by, am inspired by, encouraged by, loved by, and challenged by. Because I have experienced mercy from the courts of heaven when I should have encountered justice, I can embrace the one with whom my heart rests. I choose to be married, I choose to embrace, I choose to cover up my lover’s faults, I choose to allow God to use me to rescue her from her fallen peril, I choose to endure, I choose to be the man who stands in the gap for her when no one else will. I will not turn back, I will not give up, I will not allow my pride to prevent God from using me to help my soul mate be the woman he created, called, and equipped her to be. I will not allow my best friend’s short comings to short-circuit my vow to God to love her and cherish her till death do we part.

What does a marriage made in heaven look like? One that is full of forgiveness, hope, and something we could never be on our own.

God bless you!

Submission? But What About My Rights?

As I was counseling a young couple who are about to be married, I asked the young bride-to-be what she thought about the assignment in their premarital counseling workbook. The subject was a biblical perspective of marriage. She replied that she disagreed with the premise of submission. This was not a surprise. I don’t know many women who don’t cringe at that word whether they admit it or not. I asked her why she disagreed and she said, “I am a feminist by nature.” I thought, aren’t we all? I grew up in an old fashioned household, where I was taught biblical roles within the family, yet I still struggled with the need to fight for my rights. Isn’t this what Satan had in mind when he deceived Eve? Adam and Eve had a great thing going. They lived in a tropical paradise, had plenty of exotic food to eat, played all day, and had such good body confidence that they didn’t even wear clothes! They even walked and communed with God in the cool of the day. What more could they want? Satan, because he wanted to be God, convinced them that they too wanted to “become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil” (Genesis 3:5, NLT). They needed to fight for their rights. Unfortunately, this disobedience started a chain reaction that we deal with to this day. God explained the consequences of their choice:

Then he said to the woman, ‘You will bear children with intense pain and
suffering. And though your desire will be for your husband, he will be your
master.’ And to Adam he said, ‘Because you listened to your wife and ate the fruit I told you not to eat, I have placed a curse on the ground. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. It will grow thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains. All your life you will sweat to
produce food, until your dying day. Then you will return to the ground from
which you came (Genesis 3:17-19, NLT).

Thanks a lot Adam and Eve. If it weren’t for the two of you we would still be frolicking in Paradise with no belly buttons. For women, no 36-hour labors, no jockeying for position with our husbands. And for men, no 70-80 hour workweeks, or overachievement needed. The plan was for us to forever enjoy a perfect and sinless life, but because of the deceptive notion that if we could be God or at least be like God, they believed Satan’s lies and sinned. That sin caused us to think we are entitled.

If any of you has not seen the new movie, “Courageous,” please don’t wait any longer. Take the whole family and see it while it is still in the theater. It is a great film about the courage it requires for men and women to fully resolve and commit themselves to live for what matters most. Alex and Stephen Kendrick, writers and directors of the movie, asked the question, “What if we let go of the baggage of our past, clarified our convictions, and then pursued faithfulness to God, our marriages, and children for the rest of our lives? Many great men and women in Scripture and in recent history have defined and then lived by their own personal resolution” (Kendrick Bros., 2011). The book, The Resolution For Women, by Priscilla Shirer is the counterpart to the book, The Resolution For Men, which is based on this film. I highly recommend this book, which lists 13 resolutions “that will bring you all the blessings and joys of a life in pursuit of God’s best” (Kendrick Bros, 2011). In the chapter on being Purposefully Feminine, Shirer discusses the subject of submission. She states,

Throughout the first wave of the feminist movement, which began during the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, as well the second major wave in the 1960s, the basis for each initiative was a clamoring for rights. And while some of these rights have been worth defending, such movements have primarily been crusades to position women not only on equal footing with men but above men- in some cases above God Himself. Yet in these various quests for recognition, each movement has failed to recognize the most powerful right of all women: the right to yield to appropriate authority willingly and with dignity (p. 44).

I’m sure I just lost some of you, but isn’t this exactly what God predicted? And, if you will stay with me, you will see that even Jesus, who was the most powerful man who ever lived, demonstrated this principle.

Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross (Philippians 2:6-8, NLT).

Shirer goes on to say,

If One so great could display this level of humility in order to achieve a much, much greater result, then what excuse do we have for not choosing to do the same—to forego our supposed rights in order to acquiesce to God’s designated plan for humanity? To trust His wisdom and insight? To bring Him the most glory, whether we get our way or not?

Yet a role reversal has been perpetuating our culture. And its effects have been staggering. Women have usurped the authority of men; men have passively neglected their roles as leaders. The result has been broken families, unstable homes, unhealthy dynamics, and derailed legacies. Marriages have cratered. Living rooms have become war zones. Iron wills have clashed and sparked and fractured personalities, melting everyone within sight (p. 45).

God shows us in his Word how to live according to his designed plan. I can understand how it can be seen as controversial, but if you read it in context, you will see that the Creator God knows us and how we operate, and has given us the best way to live in harmony and peace. He says:

So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days. Don’t act
thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, let the Holy Spirit fill and control you…and further, you will submit to one another out of
reverence for Christ. You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the Church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the Church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything. And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the Church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s word…in the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. (Ephesians 5:15-28, NLT).

I know it is a matter of perception for each person who reads this, but it sounds wonderful to me. That is, if I can actually pull it off. I don’t know about you, but being married to a man who is willing to lay down his life for me with no hesitation whatsoever is an amazing feeling. And even though I sometimes don’t recognize it and often don’t appreciate it, my happiness is of the utmost important to him. Laura Doyle, in her book, The Surrendered Wife, puts it this way:

It may not seem like it, but your husband wants to shower you with things that you love. As long as he knows you respect him, all you have to do is tell him what you want or don’t want…Whenever he can, the husband of a surrendered wife will gladly respond to these words because one of his foremost goals is to make his wife happy (Doyle, 2001, p. 80).

Is that true husbands?

I kind of like this word “surrender” better than the other S word. It sounds a bit more like something I voluntarily lay down. I give up my rights so that I may serve my husband more. My husband will lay down his life to protect me. I think what Paul is teaching us in Ephesians is how to out-serve one another. If we can get beyond our own selfishness and think about the needs and desires of the other person, we can serve him or her more fully; and though we will do it without expecting any glory or anything in return, we might be surprised at how we are rewarded in kind. In a nutshell, John, the baptist, speaking of Jesus said, "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30, KJV). I like the way my friend, David, interprets this verse: "He must come into full bloom, and I must wither away." This is true servanthhood and surrender. And I have seen David and his wife Beverley model this for years by serving each other.

Doyle describes a surrendered wife:

A surrendered wife is:

Vulnerable where she used to be a nag
Trusting where she used to be controlling
Respectful where she used to be demeaning
Grateful where she used to be dissatisfied
Has faith where she once had doubt

Likewise, In the book, What Makes a Woman Feel Loved, Emilie Barnes encourages men: “one way in which a woman feels loved is when her husband puts down the newspaper, turns off the TV, and gives her his full attention. And, men, she doesn’t always want you to solve the problems she mentions. She just wants to know that you care enough to listen” (Barnes, 2007, p. 41).

Is this true wives?

Certainly, there are those who take advantage of their mate, especially husbands who are controlling and abusive. I’m not speaking to those jerks (you know who you are). That’s a subject for another blog. I’m talking to most people who really want to have a strong and intimate marriage. In my experience, I have found that most women want to respect their husbands and most men want to love their wives. They just don’t know how.

This is where Marriage Education comes in. Spend some time reading good books about marriage, hang out with other loving, committed couples, seek a good Christian counselor or marriage coach who will help you focus on the right things, teach you principles, and give you tools to help you build a strong marriage. I really applaud all the young engaged couples I have seen lately in my practice for their willingness to get premarital counseling. They will not regret it. They will have an advantage over couples who slide into marriage without preparation. But it’s never too late to start.

It is not easy by any means. And I certainly have not perfected the principle of surrendering to my husband, as he can tell you, but I know it is the godly and right thing to do. And I know, from personal experience, that it works to both our benefits and is a great testimony to our children, grandchildren, and a watching world. It’s a matter of giving up our rights, understanding our God- given roles in marriage, trusting that the Creator God knows what he is doing, and surrendering to his will.

I would love to know your thoughts on this much-debated topic.