What Does It Mean To Be One?

Now that you know some things to stop and start doing in your relationship, maybe we should talk about how to have the marriage you’ve always wanted. Gary Chapman wrote a book by the same name and I highly recommend you read it.

Let’s start by addressing what it means to be one in marriage. He describes the difference between “being united” and “unity” this way: “When you tie the tails of two cats together and hang them across the fence, you have united them, but then unity is a different matter.” Funny saying, but I know a lot of couples that this describes! The Bible, in Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Dr. Chapman adds that the word one here “is the same Hebrew word used of God Himself in Deuteronomy 6:4 where we read, “Hear O Israel: The Lord our God is one.” He talks about the unity of the triune godhead- three Gods, but one God” He goes on to say that, “The members of the Trinity do have varying roles, yet unity. It is unthinkable that members of the Trinity would ever operate as separate entities. From Genesis 1:26 where God said, ’Let us make man in our image’ to Revelation 22:16-21, we find the Trinity working together as a composite unity.”

What does this have to do with my marriage, you ask? The Trinity is our example for unity in marriage. The goal of marriage should be to have a degree of intellectual oneness, social oneness, spiritual oneness, and physical oneness. One thing is for sure- this cannot be accomplished without the third cord in the strand. “Marriage unity is not the kind of unity that eradicates personality,” according to Dr. Chapman; “Rather, it is the kind of unity that frees you to express your own diversity, yet experience complete oneness with your mate. You are free to be all that God intends you to be, while experiencing all that God intended when He united us in marriage. No truth could be more liberating and satisfying.”

If you and your spouse are struggling with unity in any of these four areas, try this exercise that Dr. Chapman recommends:

1. Take a good look at your marriage. We must recognize weaknesses before we can initiate improvements. On a sheet of paper, make four parallel columns with the following headings:

Intellectual     Social         Physical        Spiritual

Under each of these headings, list the characteristics you feel you hold in common with your mate. In which area is your oneness weakest? What could you do to stimulate growth in this area? What will you do?

2. Suggest that your mate read this, make a similar list, and answer the above questions. When you are both feeling good and open to growth, share your results and agree upon actions that will increase your oneness. Concentrate on one area at a time.

Please leave a comment and let me know how this exercise goes for you and your husband or wife. And don’t forget to check out my website for more information about how you can Refresh, Revive, or Reawaken your marriage: www.BuildingLastingLove.com

Next time: Yielding to Someone Greater than Ourselves

A Cord of Three Strands

There is a passage in Ecclesiastes that I love and though it is probably talking about comrades in war, it is equally applicable to married couples. After all, we are in a war of sorts. The prince of the power of the air certainly wants to defeat us and is a formidable foe.

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NAS).

What exactly does this last statement have to do with marriage? The Teacher is illustrating a point with a word picture. Let's say that you and your spouse each represent a cord in a rope. In Stephen Arterburn’s book, The 7 Minute Marriage Solution, he explains the spiritual implications he sees in this passage regarding Adam and Eve:

By placing himself in the lives of the man and woman, God completed the rope by becoming the third cord of the marriage. From the beginning marriage was to be a bond of three- man, woman, and God- which made marriage a reflection of the Trinitarian nature of God. God, as the third cord gave marriage the strength of three- the strength it needed to withstand the storms that would assail it and to accomplish what God intended man and woman to accomplish…Having God as the third cord of the marriage rope completed the joy of the man and woman. They were intimate with God, close to him, in love with him. Thy loved him as they loved each other, and they found great joy in him. They took daily walks with God (p. 186).

They drew near to God. They spent time with him. Daily. How do we go about achieving this kind of intimacy in our busy lives? Arterburn suggests that the 

third cord will never be strong enough to keep your marriage on track unless you bind yourselves to God daily. This means spending time together with him every day. Reading to discover the wisdom and insight in God’s Word and praying to connect with him must become a habit in your life- something you do as regularly as eating your daily meals. Just as regular meals are essential to the nourishment of your body, regular time with God is essential to the nourishment of your spirit (p. 195).

Arterburn recommends committing to only seven minutes a day so that you have no excuse to not spend a little time in the Scriptures and little time in prayer. Consistency is the key to forming a habit. It’s not the length of time but the commitment. My husband and I actually get cranky with each other when we have let work, busyness, and all kinds of distractions keep us from spending time with each other. We need to be together in all the ways married couples should be together. Why would we not give the Lord at least seven minutes of our day?

I also really admire Becky Tirabassi (http://www.beckytirabassi.com) who decided nearly three decades ago to spend an hour a day with God. You can read all about her journey in her book, Let Prayer Change Your Life.

So what have we learned couples? We need to STOP doing things that will harm our marriage and keep us from connecting, START doing things that will help our marriage, and spend time in the Word and in prayer. Whether you spend seven minutes or an hour a day, find time to connect with the Lord and pray for each other. That is your assignment.

Leave a comment and let us know how it goes for you.

And don’t forget to visit my website: www.buildinglastinglove.com

and check out the "Reawaken" page to learn more about our Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work training. We are offering a reduced rate for the launch of this wonderful opportunity to strengthen your marriage. If you are interested, contact me through my website for more info and to receive the special rate.

Seven Things to START Doing

Last time we discovered the things we need to STOP doing that are sabotaging our marriage. In this blog, let's look at things we need to START doing to have a loving and thriving marriage.

I think sometimes we married couples spend so much time in what Gottman calls Negative Sentiment Override (NSO), that is, doing all the things mentioned in my previous blog, and it becomes nearly impossible to see through the negativity to something positive. There are many great techniques to counteract this behavior and we will explore those in upcoming blogs. But for now, we will take a look at what Stephen Arterburn in his book, The 7 Minute Marriage Solution, suggests. He came up with these solutions based on, in his words, “years of extensive study based on hundreds of couples’ experiences in our New Life Marriage Weekend workshops, a research project from the Center for Bible Engagement, and my own personal experience.” So, along with the seven things to STOP doing, he discusses the seven things to START doing:

·      Start embracing friendship and fun

“A little humor and fun may be your best path to restoring or renewing or revitalizing a relationship.”

“Friendship forms the foundation for the fun and humor that make marriage enjoyable at times and endurable at others.”

·      Start responding romantically to your mate

“Sexual satisfaction comes from investing in the other person’s joy and pleasure. It does not come from seeking to gratify yourself.”

“What really fuels romance in a marriage is for each mate to put the other first and be continually attentive to the other’s needs.”

·      Start expressing grace and forgiveness

“Forgiveness must be accomplished without accepting or condoning the hurtful behavior.”

“You should forgive your mate simply because you love him or her. That is why God forgave you, and that alone is reason enough to forgive each other.”

·      Start affirming your mate’s strengths

“The more you accept the other person, the more likely it is that your mate will transform into the best he or she can be.”

“The way of love, the way of commitment, and the way of Christ is to accept the flaws and weaknesses of your mate and love in spite of them.”

·      Start spending money responsibly

“Communicate to each other hopes and expectations that involve money and make a budget that accommodates both necessities and dreams.”

“To avoid financial disaster, you must close your ears to the siren voices of government and alluring TV commercials urging you to spend your way to prosperity.”

·      Start practicing your lifetime vows

“God looks upon a vow as an extremely serious thing”

“Wedding vows are crucial because in the presence of witnesses the couple makes a solemn promise to stick to the rules even when they feel the powerful pull of their wants and urges.”

·      Start showing respect no matter what

“Just about every problem can be boiled down to a lack of respect.”

“You can’t respect a person while criticizing, trying to change, nagging, hiding money from, or ignoring your spouse.”

This week, which of these things will you commit to START doing? Share with the rest of us how you plan to start. And see what’s new on my website: www.buildinglastinglove.com

Next time: The Seven Minutes that Matter Most

Fixing Your Marriage is Easier Than You Think

Every married couple wants to have a good marriage. No one stands at the altar thinking, “Well this is probably going to be really difficult, but I guess I’ll go ahead and give it a try.” Noooo, we go into marriage with high hopes and visions of romance and fun and never-ending adventure. At least that’s what my hubby and I envisioned. But everyday life, kids, in-laws, money, colliding personalities and other things seem to circumvent that dream, and we even find ourselves doing and saying things we never imagined we would.

In Stephen Arterburn’s book, The 7 Minute Marriage Solution, he points out how much more difficult we make marriage than it has to be. He states, “If we’re honest with ourselves, we all know the self-defeating thoughtless things we do everyday.” He then goes on to list some of those things:

We use put-down humor or criticize our mate in     public

    

   We try to change our mate into the “perfect” spouse

   We run up credit card debt or secretly spend money

   We nag and complain about our mate’s flaws

   We manipulate, give the silent treatment, or say harsh things in anger

   We hold grudges and refuse to forgive our mate’s mistakes

Arterburn gives us a simple way to build a strong marriage and it’s easier than you think:

STOP doing negative things and START doing positive ones. Wow! That is simple.

The things we need to STOP doing?

1.  Stop clinging to unrealistic expectations

“Dashed expectations result from too little time spent getting to know the other person. Before marriage, both put their best foot forward, and the other foot is not exposed until after the honeymoon. And each partner is shocked to see how ugly that foot turns out to be.”

“You and your spouse can live happily ever after- but only if both of you are willing to work through the issues and differences you brought into the marriage.”

2.  Stop obsessing on the past

“If you don’t build this bridge to the past- from where you are now to the cause of the pain- you will never truly know your spouse even after years of being together.”

3.  Stop drowning in suspicion and jealousy

“If distrust exists in your marriage, begin now to take positive steps to uncover the causes and then work on those issues to rebuild trust.”

4.  Stop trying to change your mate

“Trying to fix a mate with criticism and judging is like trying to alter a suit with hammer and nails.”

“Sometimes God does not remove the burden from us. Instead he does for us what he did for Paul: He gives us the grace and strength to bear it.”

5.  Stop seething in anger and resentment

“There are ways to be angry and yet keep anger from controlling your life and ruining your relationships.”

“Some conflict in marriage is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to build a wall or destroy intimacy.”

6.  Stop tolerating compulsions and addictions

“We’re in this marriage together, so together let’s work through the problem and get things back the way they should be.”

“Some situations should never be tolerated.”

7.  Stop focusing only on your interests

“Relationship, especially the marriage relationship, forces selfishness out of you.”

“What little things can you do to improve your mate’s life or to make your mate’s day better?”

That last suggestion is your Call to Action today. Comment and let me know how it goes. Or visit my website at: www.buildinglastinglove.com

Next time: Things to START doing.

Welcome Back

Welcome back to “A Marriage Made in Heaven.” Since my last post, that old saying “time flies when you’re having fun” definitely applies to my life. A lot has happened in our family including the birth of three babies (Titus-17 mths, Luke- 6 mths, and Brooke-4 mths) and another little boy is on the way (Gideon). Sono Harris used to say, “nothing grows faster than children” and it’s so true. So, it’s wonderful to have little ones around. They have added so much joy and lots of smiles and laughter already.

Another great achievement is the completion of my PhD program in counseling, so you can officially call me Dr. Phyl. JK. I have also finished levels 1 and 2 of Gottman training and my husband and I are certified to lead the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work workshops so be on the lookout for dates you can attend. It will rock your marriage!

My awesome hubby and I have enjoyed several trips to Seattle, San Francisco, NYC and, our favorite respite, Key West. These trips are elixir for us. We will talk more about the need for couples to find time to “get away from it all” in future blogs.

I have also been very busy (with the help of a professional- Skip Athey with Small Business Grow: www.smallbusinessgrow.com) getting my new website ready to launch. There you will find lots of info about marriage relationships and what it takes to build lasting love. In fact, that’s what it’s called: www.buildinglastinglove.com

I hope you will visit my site and share it with others. My hope is that all this training and education will not be in vain but that the Lord would use me to help couples build strong marriages and families and enjoy them as much as I do mine.

We’ll start by taking a look at Stephen Arterburn’s book, The 7 Minute Marriage Solution. We’ll discover 7 things to STOP doing, 7 things to START doing and 7 minutes that matter the most. Stay tuned…