The Springtime of Marriage

On Sunday, March 13^th, we will change our clocks to Daylight Saving Time again. I am one of those people who would like to see it stay this way permanently. I absolutely love having more sunshine and longer days. I am fully aware that there are some who disagree, but this is my blog, so... To me it is another new beginning; somewhat like January, but this time without the expectation and guilt of making resolutions. Spring brings something else, something new. It is the awareness that what is dead becomes alive again; that from the cold, hard ground peeks a tulip or a daffodil. I live in the beautiful state of Florida where the weather is mostly warm, but the last few winters have proven to be a little harsh for us sun lovers (don't hate). I lost a huge, gorgeous Hibiscus tree to a freeze, and my elephant ears, which are a natural window treatment, froze to death and were bowing on the ground in sadness. But only weeks since, new gigantic leaves are popping up and I can once again enjoy the view of them from my kitchen window. I can't tell you the joy this brings me. The Hibiscus, however, will not be coming back, but has already been replaced with pots of impatiens and petunias. What does this have to do with marriage you say? Well... I think it is a great metaphor for what happens in relationships. Just as there are seasons in nature, marriages go through seasons as well. In the book Creating an Intimate Marriage by Jim Burns, I had to laugh at Stephen Arterburn's Foreward. In it he describes the "spring" of a relationship:

"Most everyone who marries has high hopes and expectations of an intimate marriage. While dating, we try to eliminate the other potentials who just don't seem to have all that we want and need in a spouse. And then, somehow we stumble onto someone that starts the adrenaline pumping, the eyes sparkling, and the dreams developing. High hopes and low maintenance keep the relationship humming along toward Holy Matrimony. You find yourself so in love that just hearing the other person breathe so melts you that it is obvious you are in the presence of a soul mate. Hours and hours of talking prove that this is the real thing as poetic and profound words stream forth from your mouths. Shakespeare would not have the words to describe these feelings of romance, and there is nothing left to do but make plans and start shopping for rings."

Isn't that the way we feel in the springtime? The sky is bluer, the birds are singing sweetly, romance is everywhere and all is right with the world. Arterburn doesn't stop there. In an exaggerated account, he comes to the conclusion that there is something secretly added to the wedding cake and once it is eaten, things seem to change:

"Shortly after the icing has been wiped from each other's lips it starts to feel like the other partner just does not get it when it comes to meeting needs. Weren't they listening during those days of courtship? And from where did all these demands from the other side come? What was low maintenance now needs more attention than a Yugo. The Prince came with a horse and the daily task seems to be to clean up after the beast, whichever one fits that classification. The Princess came with nails and they must be allowed to dry and remained undamaged for a fortnight. Your soul mate seems more like a cold mate and you find yourself in a stalemate.

Holy Matrimony is now filled with phrases like Holy Moses and Holy Toledo and Holy Moley because the partnership causes some very unholy reactions. Even your partner's breathing is so irritating that private bedrooms may be an option if a cork does not work. Rather than words more beautiful that Shakespeare, all you want to do is shake your partner, and a spear seems like a handy tool to have lying around the house. For months it felt like you were on drugs and now you may have to resort to them if things don't pick up soon. The only people you are more disappointed in than your spouse are all of the married couples who knew this was going to happen but refused to let you in on their little secret, because misery loves company."

What Arterburn is describing in his comical summary is what happens in most marriages. Of course the spring is followed by summer where some of the initial romantic feelings are replaced by the comfortableness of routine as we figure out how to do life as a couple and maybe add some kids to the mix. But, in some marriages, autumn and winter can bring a coldness that can damage or kill a marriage. Author, Gary Chapman, in his book, The Four Seasons of Marriage, writes:

"If we respond well, in harmony with our spouse, we can keep our marriage in spring or summer. If we don't respond well or if our response clashes with our spouse's response, we can feel the chill of autumn or be thrust into the icy cold of winter-sometimes before we know what hit us."

I believe that "responding well" means honoring our commitment to our spouse even during those chilly and dreary seasons. I agree with Larry Crabb, who writes in his book, The Marriage Builder:

"If we deeply believe that the Lord is able to work on our behalf in all circumstances, then no collection of marital setbacks will prompt us to seriously consider divorce or withdrawal. If God is really as powerful as He claims to be, then the path of obedience will always lead to His intended purposes. The hope (better, the certainty) that God is at work to accomplish His plan even in the most difficult of marriages must remain firmly rooted in our awareness of His powerful grace."

Dr. Crabb views Christian marriage in the context of God's provision and our needs this way:

"All my needs are completely met in Christ. The riches of heaven are mine. I am called to believe this. And God has given me a taste of what lies ahead to excite my faith. The problem, sadly, is that very few Christians have really tasted and seen that the Lord is good. The joy of fellowship in Christ and service in His name is less than a thrilling reality for too many Christians because of inadequate commitment to Him. But those who have cast their entire lot with Christ know something of the joy and peace He provides."

So, to summarize, Dr. Crabb declares that,

"If I have experienced the answer to my deepest longings in Christ, then I will be able to see past my longings and discern my wife's needs; and when I see her needs, then my experience of satisfaction with Christ will create in me a deep desire to promote similar satisfaction in my wife."

Of course, this goes for husbands too. It's this commitment that leads us back to the springtime of our marriage. We have tasted and seen the goodness from the beginning of our relationship. Sometimes we simply need to revisit that and remember what it felt like and how it was. My commitment to my husband, in a simplistic way, is like my commitment to my elephant ears. They bring me such joy, but when they shrivel up and die because of a hard freeze, I know they will come back even stronger because I have experienced this time and again. In a more spiritual sense, I know that God is faithful- I have experienced His faithfulness time and again. Remembering His promises to me and truly believing that He will meet all my needs helps me to trust and believe in the commitment my husband and I made to each other on August 18^th, 1978.

If your marriage is in the season of autumn or winter, remember that spring is coming and what was dead can be made alive again. A little pruning and TLC may be needed so get to it! As spring approaches, take the opportunity to look back and remember the spring of your marriage. Do something nostalgic. Last night, my husband and I went to see The Doobie Brothers at the Florida Strawberry Festival (don't laugh kids). We felt eighteen again, (even though they looked really old). It brought back old memories, reminded us of old times and brought us closer. Get out the wedding album, reminisce, and do something fun to bring back the spring. Taste and see that the Lord is good.

A Prayer in Spring

Robert Frost (1915)

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfil.

QUICK LINKS

Click HERE to view The Rosberg's Date With a Purpose Marriage Link on "Demands and Doormats"

Click below for Becky Tirabassi's Change Your Life Daily Site:

http://www.changeyourlifedaily.com/enewsletter.aspx?q=165

Click below for The Intimate Couple

http://www.the-intimate-couple.com/

Click below for The Marriage Builder, by Larry Crabb

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_35?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+marriage+builder+by+larry+crabb&sprefix=the+marriage+builder+by+larry+crabb

Click below for Jim Burns book, Creating an Intimate Marriage

http://www.amazon.com/Creating-Intimate-Marriage-Affection-Encouragement/dp/076420405X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1299878403&sr=1-1

Click below for The Four Seasons of Marriage, by Gary Chapman

http://www.amazon.com/Four-Seasons-Marriage-Gary-Chapman/dp/1414300239/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1299878903&sr=1-1

Celebrating Love

Ahhh…February, the month of love. I am fully aware that there are Valentine’s Day haters out there, but I, for one, think it’s nice to have a reminder to pay a little more attention to our sweetheart and spice things up in the romance department. And any holiday that involves chocolate, well, I’m for it. But then, I am a girl. I like chick flicks, and books about romance, especially if they live happily ever after. My nearly 33 years of marriage to my honey is the greatest joy of my life. If you’ve read my previous blogs, you can probably figure out that flowers and chocolate may not be in his mind, much less celebrating Valentine’s Day (unless he reads this blog). But we are both constantly aware that if we don’t maintain our relationship with regular time together at home, on special dates, or getting away on a trip, we can get in a lazy rut. That’s when we plan something, hop on the motorcycle and head out on the highway, or sit in the tub and drink wine, while discussing what we would do if we won the lottery. (No, we don’t play the lottery- it’s more about the tub and the wine). I can hear a collective “ewe” from all three of my kids.

As a Marriage and Relationship Coach and Educator, I constantly hear couples use words like “boring,” “in a rut,” “stale,” and “distant” to describe their relationships. This is really sad to me because it doesn’t have to be that way. It is true that life is busy, especially in these hard economic times. Stress levels are high, and we all have a lot on our minds, just trying to keep our heads above water, but a good, solid marriage filled with romance and fun is a great remedy for stress! I wonder how your husband’s mind would be calmed if you said something like this to him:

“Kiss me again and again, for your love is sweeter than wine. How fragrant your cologne, and how pleasing your name! No wonder all the young women love you! Take me with you. Come, let’s run! Bring me into your bedroom, O my king.”

I didn’t make that up (unfortunately). It came from Song of Solomon 1:1-4 (NLT). I think that would get my hubby’s attention- especially the bedroom part. But, men, pay attention to some things the king spoke back to his love:

“How beautiful you are, my beloved, how beautiful! Your eyes are soft like doves…compared to other women, my beloved is a lily among thorns” (1:15, 2:3).

What security that would bring to your wife’s heart- You think she is beautiful, and all those other women are thorns! I think we can learn a lot from the Songs of Solomon about ways to romance our spouses and how very important it is. I recommend on this Valentine’s Day, taking a little time and reading it to each other. If you never have, you may be in for a big surprise. It was written in code, because in Oriental times, it was so provocative and sensual that they didn’t want children understanding certain things before it was time. Try to figure out what was really being said, and then let me know what you come up with. If you are reading this in the newsletter, click here to comment on my blog: http://phyl-lippy.blogspot.com/

Another great resource for recapturing the romance in your marriage is Gary and Barbara Rosberg’s 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love. Secret number five in their book is “Celebrating Love” and they share five ways to practice it in your marriage.

1. Put Each Other at the Top of the List

The Rosbergs suggest that, “quality time is a myth.” Couples need lots of time together away from kids and other responsibilities. Find enjoyable activities to do TOGETHER.

Here are some ways:

- “Put family second, right after your relationship with God

- Be cautious when making commitments outside your family

- Cultivate enriching relationships- don’t always hang out with people who sap your strength. While that is a ministry opportunity, make time to be around people who energize and encourage you.

- Make communication a priority in your relationships

- Let your body language demonstrate that your spouse is your priority”

2. Confess to Each Other

“Unresolved offenses block all kinds of intimacy- emotional, physical and spiritual.” Gary Rosberg encourages husbands to “take the lead to address the pain, close the loop, and restore intimacy.”

3. Get to Know Each Other Again

“How? Demonstrate your love by showing that you are deeply interested. Here are some ways:

- Study your spouse

- Really listen to each other

- Work alongside each other

- Try some of your old favorites again

- Get away together

- Be captivated by the love of your life”

4. Rethink Your Thinking

The Rosbergs share 2 coaching tips to get you started:

- “Be willing to fall in love with your spouse again- being in love begins in your mind with the choice to surrender to feelings of love. Only when you have made this basic choice can you train yourself to look for the good in your spouse and be glad for it.”

- “Control your thoughts. When a negative thought about your spouse comes along, arrest it, lock it behind bars, and throw away the key!”

5. Rekindle Romance and Physical Intimacy

“Shared emotional arousal between a husband and wife is a catalyst in the development of a passionate physical love. What a husband must realize is how his seemingly nonsexual activities help to satisfy his wife’s hunger for physical intimacy. At the heart of these nonsexual actions is the emotional bond of being friends…Husbands, don’t underestimate the power of the small signs of affection that communicate to your wife all day long that she is loved.”

“Few women understand the depth of anguish a husband feels when his need for sexual intimacy is not fully met…A husband whose wife ignores his drive for sexual intimacy feels rejected as a person and as a man. He often shuts down or pulls away…however, such actions can be averted if a wife is attuned to the depth of her husband’s need for physical intimacy.”

Read about Celebrating Love and the other 5 secrets in 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love

http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Lasting-Love-Recapturing-Marriage/dp/1414312105/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297276885&sr=8-1

The Rosbergs have changed their Date With A Purpose link and given it a new look. Check it out:

Click HERE to view February’s Marriage Link - "Trust"

And check out Charla Muller’s 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy

When Charla Muller’s husband turned 40, she wanted to give him something really special, something no one else could, and something he would never forget. She decided to give him the gift of intimacy. The Mullers had a pretty good marriage and two beautiful children. Everything was going smoothly except for one thing- their sex life was anything but exciting. They never made time for intimacy with each other anymore. This reality prompted Muller’s offer to give her husband the gift of sex every day for 365 days, in “a considerate and sincere attempt to bond via daily intimacy and connection” (p. 12). He, of course, graciously accepted her offer. Thus began their journey of learning what it takes to have a truly intimate marriage. I loved this book! It is a true love story.

///www.amazon.com/365-Nights-Intimacy-Charla-Muller/dp/B001QFZLPM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1297277040&sr=1-1

Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, Sheet Music, is a great book about marital sex.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_30?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=sheet+music+by+dr.+kevin+leman&sprefix=sheet+music+by+dr.+kevin+leman

If you want info quick, browse Jim and Carrie Gordon’s website, The Intimate Couple, for all kinds of ideas about romance and sex for married couples. It’s spicy! Just sayin’

http://www.the-intimate-couple.com/

Finally, if you are bored and love academic reading, I wrote a paper about intimacy during graduate school and would love to share it with you. If you are interested, request it by emailing me at: plweddingplanner@aol.com

If you find any mistakes, don't worry- I already got my A. Enjoy.

I hope you are enjoying all the resources that I share with you. I think it is important to have a fully stocked toolbox in order to build a strong marriage and maintain it so that you will have a happy and fulfilling life and so that you will be ambassadors for Christ and be able to mentor other couples.

This Valentine’s Day I would love to receive flowers and there had better be chocolate, but I would love any one of the following ideas even more. These are more ideas from the Rosberg’s book, 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love:

IDEAS FOR CELEBRATING YOUR WIFE

- Be accessible to her- always! Tell her where you will be and how long you will be gone.

- Let your coworkers know you can always be interrupted when she calls.

- Repeat your wedding vows often. Tell her that if you had it to do all over again, you would choose her again- and again, and again.

- Continually promise and reassure her that your love for her and faithfulness to her is “till death do us part.”

- Invite her to tell you how she desires to be loved, then seek to love her that way.

- Give her a head-to-toe massage.

- Compliment her, especially for the little things.

- Send her flowers or chocolates or whatever little gifts she likes.

- Attend a marriage conference together. Take the initiative to locate one, make all the arrangements, including a babysitter if that is necessary.

- Lavish her with nonsexual touch.

- Call her during the day just to say hello.

- Put your arm around her or hold her hand in public.

- Say, “I love you” before she does. Begin and end each day with encouraging words.

- Write notes to her regularly telling her how proud you are of her.

- Hold her hands, and pray for her.

- Send her cards or love letters.

- Bring her breakfast in bed.

- Say, “I’m sorry” when you are wrong, and forgive her when she is wrong.

- Kiss for at least 10 seconds when you part in the morning and when you reunite at the end of the day.

IDEAS FOR CELEBRATING YOUR HUSBAND

- Send him off and welcome him home with a smile and a 10 second kiss.

- Let him know you’re glad he’s home, just because you love him, not because the sink is clogged or you need to get away from the kids.

- If you arrive home after your husband does, find him before you do anything else and tell him how glad you are to be home.

- Let him know you care. Buy a mushy card, and send it to his office, hide it in his briefcase, or slip it into the book he’s reading.

- Write down a list of reasons why you love him, then share the list with him over a romantic dinner.

- Leave him a surprise note with an encouraging Bible verse.

- Buy attractive nightwear for yourself- and hide his!

- Give him massages.

- Pray for him before he leaves for work.

- Join him in his favorite activity even if you aren’t crazy about it. Try doing with him some of the things he enjoys doing with his buddies.

- Say, “I’m sorry” when you are wrong and forgive him when he is wrong.

- Initiate sexual intimacy.

- Listen to his opinions on spiritual issues. Ask him what type of activities would fuel his spiritual growth. Don’t impose your ideas on him.

- Eat breakfast with him, and enter his world at the start of the day.

- Accept your body, and enjoy experimenting with him sexually.

I hope all these great tips for rekindling the romance in your marriage are helpful. You have no excuse for having a ho-hum marriage. I have given you plenty of tools to use. Start by reading Song of Solomon. Marriage was the Creator God's idea, after all.

One last thing, just for fun. If you want to see what can happen if you don't heed my advice, watch this video:

http://www.bluefishtv.com/Store/Downloadable_Video_Illustrations/3001/The_Marriage_Translators/f=s2a&scid=1005&cc=1017&csc=&ldr=&s=

Thanks for reading. Your comments are welcomed.

And have Happy Valentine's Day!

To Resolve or Not to Resolve

Greetings and Happy New Year to all you happily married couples. And to all you couples reading who are not so happy right now, and who maybe didn’t have a stellar year in 2010, may 2011 be a fresh start for you. If that is your situation, then here is my prayer for you:

“When I think of the wisdom and scope of God’s plan, I fall to my knees and pray the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you might inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen” (Ephesians 3: 14-21, NLT).

May 2011 be your best year yet and may you grow in love for each other and have a marriage truly made in heaven.

So, here we are, at the dawn of a new year again. In November, I wrote about thankfulness, and in December I wrote about gift-giving, so it would stand to reason that this month should be about New Year’s Resolutions, right? The old NYR routine. But if I do that and follow tradition, I’ll have to reiterate the same old things we all say at this time every year. I start out resolving to eat right, exercise more, read through the Bible, get debt free, pray more. But by January 3^rd, the excuses start coming in waves washing all my good intentions out to sea.

Does this mean we shouldn’t even make resolutions at all? I think my beef with New Year’s resolutions is the timing. I agree with my brother, who writes in his blog, “ If you can’t resolve to change on March 3^rd or August 21^st then why would you suppose you’d change on January 1^st?" http://pgaddy25.wordpress.com/2011/01/04/i-hereby-resolve/

When we were homeschooling our kids, I read a book by David and Shirley Quine titled Let Us Highly Resolve. This book was the catalyst to changing the way we saw our marriage and how we raised our children. We resolved to build the foundation of our home upon the Word of God and that everything we would think and act upon would be filtered through what we believe to be true. I highly recommend sitting down with your family, and deciding what it is you believe, and to resolve to live by that truth. Write it down; make it a covenant between you and your spouse and your children. It’s a lot easier to remember and to live by when you can see it posted in your home and when you have all committed to a common goal. Grab a copy of this book- it will get you started. Here, are some things gleaned from the book:

To Resolve

Determined in purpose…

To follow some course of action…

A resolution or determination made…

With steady perseverance- firmly determined…

To fix or settle on by a deliberate choice and will…

Constant in pursuing a purpose…having a fixed purpose…

Steadfast; bold, firm determination, steady, unshaken firmness

Below is a summary of the book offered by a young homeschooler named Allison. She gives a great synopsis of each chapter.

Chapter one-Let Us Resolve To Build our Families on a Biblical World View

Building a Biblical worldview in our families is incredibly important. It is the foundation upon which we base our lives. David Quine says, “The Biblical worldview is based upon the existence of God”. Without a Biblical view, we would not be equipped to stand against the culture and its secular beliefs. Parents need to teach their children from a Biblical worldview in order that they might know the difference when wrong philosophies and thinking are thrown at them. One lie that comes from the secular worldview is that there is no absolute truth. If so, there will be great chaos and destruction! Sadly, our culture has bought into the lies of ‘no absolutes’, and thus, is reaping the consequences. Absolute truth is based on the very nature of God. A Biblical worldview says that the Bible is our standard, and is the absolute truth.

Chapter two- Let Us Resolve to Establish Our Children’s Lives upon Truths and Absolutes

As our culture has completely turned from God, following the philosophies that teach that truth is relative, it is vital that Christians teach their children upon absolute truth. Deuteronomy 6 tells us two things that are to be passed on to the next generation—one is a personal knowledge of God, and the other is a whole-hearted love of Him. The reason this is vital is because God’s people, throughout history, have the natural tendency to follow the culture. Because the secular worldview states that man evolved, logically truth can also evolve. Secular humanists also believe in tolerance; what’s right for me may not be right for you, but don’t question my beliefs. Divergently, a Biblical worldview would believe that we base our beliefs on the Bible, the ultimate source of truth.

Chapter three- Let Us Resolve to Equip Our Children to Reason

Behaviorism has entered our culture, having upsetting effects. It treats people as robots, needing to be programmed. David Quine suggests, “If the secular position of man is correct, then it would be appropriate to program or condition him. If the Biblical view is correct, the use of behavior modification techniques on people eradicates everything that makes human life valuable from the standpoint of what God meant us to be as men in His image.” He also says, “According to a Biblical worldview we live in a cause-and-effect world. There are consequences to ideas and behaviors. …Behaviorism is rarely concerned with the why; rather, the focus is only on the external behavior. Man is reduced to biology and nothing more.” The reason behaviorism is working is because children are not being taught to think, resulting in adults reasoning at childish levels. We must learn to think and reason, or else we will mindlessly buy into the behaviorism.

Chapter four- Let Us Resolve to Enter into True Spirituality

Every man looks for fulfillment in life. If man turns to God to find a relationship with Him and true spirituality, he will find true fulfillment. If he doesn’t, he will turn to other things, looking for answers. Humanism leads to obliteration and hopelessness. A Biblical worldview leads to life.

Chapter five- Let Us Resolve to Be “By Faith” Families

Living “by faith” does not mean we cross our fingers and hope for the best. It is trusting God in whatever challenges we face. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph are incredible examples of 4 generations that walked with God, and lived by faith. They remind us that we must remember the mighty works of God and be faithful to pass them on to the next generation. David Quine says it this way, “There is no greater calling than making disciples and there is no greater opportunity than discipling our children.”

Chapter 6- Let Us Resolve to Prepare Our Children as a “Letter of Christ” to the Culture

Just as it says in 2 Corinthians 3:2, we are letters read by all men. Christians need to make sure that they are representing Christ in such a way that He is glorified. In order to do this, David Quine encourages parents to value their children—realizing each one is a precious gift from God, inspire them to know and love God, and teach them right from wrong. Doing these things will prepare them to be “letters of Christ”, and lights for Jesus Christ.

Chapter 7- Let Us Resolve to Challenge the Culture with the Truth of Christianity and the Life of Christ

We are to be the light of the world. (Matt. 5:15) This means we as Christians are not to isolate ourselves and hide from the “bad” that is out in the world. We are to be ambassadors for Christ. David Quine expresses, “Our children must be taught to resist compromising Christian thought with secular ideas. …Our children need to know how to express the Christian worldview in compelling ways to modern culture. As their ideas are applied in the various fields of study, they will be the light shining in our current darkness. This is a vital part of the 21^st century apologetic. …We must be adequately preparing and equipping our children to converse with those of the 21^st century.” Being capable of challenging the culture with the truth of Christianity and the life of Christ is imperative.

These resolutions became the jumping off point for our family and I am happy to say that, years later, the benefits are immeasurable. Now we are passing them on to our grandsons and our new son and daughter, our children’s spouses. Deuteronomy 6: 6-9 states:

“And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and when you are getting up again. Tie them to your hands as a reminder, and wear them on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (NLT).

So, this year, in 2011, “Let us highly resolve that we will do everything that our day and location permits to put into practice the teachings of Jesus Christ” (Quine, 1996, p. 16).

Happy New Year and God bless you. Thank you for reading.

Gift-giving 101

I know that you are all waiting with bated breath to find out who was the not-so-great gift giver in my life. Well, it was my husband, bless his heart. I know that his aim in life is to please me, and I’m not just saying that, it really is. But, there was a time in our marriage when he was in great need of some remediation in the gift-giving department. Like the time he gave me a pair of size 9, hot pink, zip-up sneakers. I wear a size seven shoe, and I NEVER wear sneakers. Or the time when he put a huge bottle of Scope in my stocking. Huh. Then there was the time when he wanted to add to my fine china teacup collection by giving me a gigantic shrimp bisque cup and saucer. Lovely. I collected these sweet little teacups for years and on another year, for Christmas, he made a basket of coffee items including mugs with the Far Side Bears doing armpit, shall we say…flatulations. Nice. There have been countless times when he re-gifted to me! His wife! Can you believe it? One time, I found a huge basket all wrapped in cellophane in my car with all kinds of really great items---for a garage sale. I found out that he won it in a raffle with a 50-cent ticket. Not a good night. I could go on and on, but the piece de resistance was the time when he surprised me at work with several pieces of lingerie. He hung bras and panties that he had bought for me all around the break room. Why on earth he did this, I don’t think we will ever know, but he was trying to do something nice for me. I was embarrassed, but when I saw that they were all the wrong sizes, embarrassment turned into indignation. I had to call for help.

I enlisted my children to help their father. Of course, my son thought his dad was hilarious, so he hasn’t been much help, but my daughters have come through for me and with much retail therapy and creative think tank sessions, he is almost in full recovery. He is extremely thoughtful and has become a student of me. This is something I recommend for every married couple- Get to know each other and pay attention to the little things. I find that it is not great shows of ostentatious magnanimousness that are meaningful to me, but the subtle nods to my unique personality that he knows so well. When he stops by my office to bring me a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup, it’s because he knows I really love those and to show me that he loves me and thinks about my needs and wants. Each morning, when he brings me that cup of coffee, he is saying I love you and this is how I’m showing you because I KNOW you. He knows I love cooking, and that’s why he spent a week’s salary to buy me the limited edition Martha Stewart professional Kitchenaid Mixer. (That was magnanimous).

To me, that is the essence of the giving and receiving of gifts. The thing we all want is to be known and loved because of, and in spite of, that knowing. The old adage, “it’s the thought that counts” is true. I want the gifts I give to the people I love to convey a message: that I know them and care about them enough to buy or make or give them something they desire. Isn’t that what God does for us? James 1:17 says, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning” (KJV). And in Matthew 7:11, Jesus explains it himself: “If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him” (NLT).

So, that brings us to now- our most favorite time of year- Christmas, the season of gift–giving. Well, that’s what it is, isn’t it? I know we all want to think that this year will be different; this year we’ll spend less money and not go crazy buying things for people that they really don’t need or maybe even want; this year we’ll concentrate on the real meaning of Christmas- the birth of our Savior, the redemption of mankind. Yet, somehow, we get caught up in the mayhem at the mall. We make lists, check them twice, and shop till we drop. I, for one, say “go for it!” Not the mayhem, not the competiveness, but the giving. Give, give, give. It feels good to the giver and the receiver. We are made to give. I like the way Father Louis Studer stated it,

"Because we are made in the image and likeness of God, there is a generosity innate in us that drives our desire to give gifts to one another. Our gifts to others, like God’s gifts to us, are a way of expressing our love to the recipients. When we give a gift we are saying, ‘I love and care about you. I was thinking of you when I bought or made this gift and I am thinking of you now as you open it.'"

All of that is to say this: giving and receiving gifts is important to me. Whether the gift costs money or is handmade or is a gift of time, I love it. I love showering my kids and grandkids with gifts at Christmas time. My husband and I show each other love through the giving and receiving of gifts to each other even if they are not tangible. This year, be as generous as you possibly can. Give to your neighbors, your church, your hairdresser, your mailman; give extra to servers at restaurants. Show the love of Christ by your giving. He promised us that, “If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over” (NLT).

Merry Christmas

Thinking About Thanksgiving

Thinking about Thanksgiving I was thinking about thankfulness and gratitude because at this time of year you have to, right? Every Thanksgiving my husband does this thing that I just don't enjoy. After spending hours getting everything ready for the most spectacular meal of the year, making sure everything looks beautiful, and that everyone's favorite dish is represented, the tables are set and everything is nice and hot, he wants to go around the table and have each person say what he or she is thankful for. I know- you're all saying, "Awww, what a wonderful tradition." But I'm thinking "all that work and now it's getting cold!" Not to mention the fact that when put on the spot, suddenly I can't think of anything I am thankful for. Of course, all the requisite things- health, family, provision, yada, yada, yada- please pass the sweet potato casserole. Shouldn't these things be pondered and ruminated upon before just blurting them out while the food is getting cold? So I am considering what I am really thankful for. I really am thankful for our health. A few years ago, my husband had Melanoma and it was very scary. I can't even imagine living without him, so I am very thankful for his healing and his continued health. I really am thankful for provision. We have recently gone through the same upheaval many people have in this economy and are moving into a completely new direction financially, but God is so faithful and has miraculously provided for us. I really am thankful that all my family will be gathered together around my Thanksgiving table, including my new son-in-law (my new son). It was only a couple of years ago that one kid was in New York and one was in England, and the only way we could communicate was over the phone and emailing. Now they are all right under my nose and have keys to my house! It's crazy and chaotic at times but I couldn't be more grateful. There is nothing my hubby and I love more than having all our kids and our two grandsons around us. I am thankful that God has placed me right where I am and that I know His purpose for my life. These are all the biggies. But the more I think about what I am truly grateful for on a daily basis; it's really the little things. My husband brings me coffee every single morning and gives it to me with a kiss, even if he's mad at me. I am so thankful for that. That one little gesture every single day shows that he loves me no matter what and that he cares for me. My daughter, Dani, is so beautiful, inside and out. She is caring and loving and thoughtful. She always orchestrates my birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas gifts. (Someday, in another blog, I will explain why that is so important and how certain people are not the greatest gift choosers, if you catch my drift). In the meantime, I am so thankful that she makes sure I am shown respect and honor on special occasions. I am thankful that my son, Nathan, always mentions me and gives me credit for his success in every interview. It's not really true- he has worked very hard on his own to get where he is, but he is showing me respect and for that I am grateful. Noelle has seen more heartache than any of us and she is the baby of our family. I am so thankful that she has made it through the fire and back, and has been found faithful- she's my miracle baby and I am so grateful for her. My sweet little (big) grandsons know all my favorite things. They know I like Big Cheezits, not those little ones. They know I love my coffee and that "books are our friends." They know that Wednesday nights and Sundays after church are family time and they look forward to it. They know me well and I'm just their granny. I love that, and am so thankful for it. These are the everyday things that I am thankful for. For what are you thankful? Make a mental or written list and ponder them, meditate on them and revel in them. But please do it after dinner- the food's getting cold. Happy Thanksgiving!

Be sure to check out the Rosberg's Date With a Purpose link: Click HERE to view this month's Date with a Purpose - "Not for Cowards"

Training vs Trying

“There is an immense difference between training to do something and trying to do something.” So says John Ortberg in the book The Life You’ve Always Wanted. In his book, he is talking about spiritual transformation. He states that, “spiritual transformation is not a matter of trying harder, but of training wisely…respecting the distinction between training and merely trying is the key to transformation in every aspect of life.”

I am convinced that this is true in marriage. There are lots of couples who want desperately to have good marriages, and are trying very hard to do all the right things, but still find themselves in turmoil. I think John Ortberg makes a great point. Every great accomplishment, every great endeavor, or adventure or marathon is not won without the proper training. That is why I am passionate about marriage education.

I am coaching two engaged couples through a 6-week pre-marriage course. This course is in-depth and covers everything from Communication to finances to conflict resolution to parenting to sexual intimacy to in-laws. I am very proud of these couples who are in basic training, a sort of “marriage boot camp,” in preparation for the obstacles that will surely arise down the road. They are learning skills that will help them meet and overcome these obstacles before they come up so that they will be ready.

I strongly encourage every married couple to engage in some kind of marriage education if they haven’t already. So many of us with starry eyes thought those lovin’ feelings would be enough, and jumped in with both feet with no training whatsoever. In this day and age, “winging it” and then trying really hard to make things work won’t cut it. Training is what works- building a strong marriage by using every resource available.

Some resources I recommend:

Read books

Such as: Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs

Why Mars and Venus Collide, by John Gray

The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle

Sheet Music, by Kevin Leman

The Marriage Builder, by Larry Crabb

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage,

By Dr. Laura Schlessinger

The Four Seasons of Marriage, by Gary Chapman

6 Secrets to a Lasting Love,

by Gary and Barb Rosberg

Surf the Web

http://www.the-intimate-couple.com/

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage.aspx

http://www.albertmohler.com/category/topics/marriage-topics/

http://smartmarriages.com/index.html

http://www.changeyourlifedaily.com/default.aspx?n=59077

get involved with healthy couples

get involved in a small group focused on marriage

find a mentor couple whom you admire

attend a marriage retreat or seminar with other couples, such as Family Life’s Weekend to Remember: http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.5846045/k.8C0A/Weekend_to_Remember__Marriage_Getaway.htm