My last blog considered that married couples WILL fight, showed
that we all can have positive or negative fighting styles, and uncovered the
essence of a BAD fight- PRIDE. I think it is imperative to figure out how to
stop having bad fights and start having good ones. The Parrots, in their book The Good Fight, list four key elements
of a good fight. They used the acronym CORE.
C- Cooperation
The Parrots write: “a study reported in Psychological Science discovered that, when it comes to couples,
the best arguers are those who work in tandem with their partner. According to the
study, the person who says ’We’ the most during an argument suggests the best solutions.” Those who say
“you” more tend to be more negative. The conclusion of the study was that “’We’
users may have a sense of shared interest that sparks compromise and other
ideas pleasing to both partners. ’You’-sayers, on the contrary, tend to
criticize, disagree, justify, and otherwise team with negativity.”
O- Ownership
Conflict is often caused by blaming the other person. We say
things like: “We wouldn’t be in this mess if you knew how to manage our money.”
Or “You’re the one who’s angry! Not me.” And “If you were ever on time, we
wouldn’t have missed dinner.” The Parrots point out that, “when we blame our
spouse (or anything else), we shift responsibility. We think our fancy footwork
puts us in the clear.” But when it comes down to it, “the blame game is for
cowards. Ownership takes courage. It takes mettle not to be a victim. Shifting
blame immediately makes you powerless. But when you take ownership for your
piece of the conflict pie, you’re instantly empowered to find a solution
together.” Instead, you say things like, “It’s unfair for me to think you could
balance the books with the week you’ve had.” Or “I admit that I’m feeling angry
here, and I don’t know what to do.” And “I didn’t think about the traffic when
I scheduled the dinner. That was a mistake. These are the words of ownership.
They drive blame back to its corner.”
R- Respect
The Parrots state that, “Good fighters steer clear of belittling.”
They also point out that, “Everyone needs respect. We can’t have a relationship
without it. An attitude of respect builds a bridge of trust between husband and
wife even when they are feeling at odds. Respect does more than curb
contentment, however. It helps us to listen before speaking. It drives us to
understand before passing judgment.”
E- Empathy
The Parrots noted that “Good fighters step into each other’s
shoes.” They ask if you’ve ever said anything like this:
· “I simply
don’t understand him”
· “I have no
idea what would make her happy”
· “We’ll just
be talking, and he blows up for no reason”
· “I don’t
understand why she keeps bringing this up”
If so, they note, “Each statement reveals a lack of understanding,
a lack of empathy…if you want to instantly and dramatically increase the odds
of experiencing a good fight, you may only need to put the single core quality
of empathy into practice. Why? Because research shows that 90 percent of
marital spats can be resolved if all the couple does is accurately see the
issue from each other’s perspective. Don’t miss this point: nine times out of
ten, conflicts are resolved when couples step into each other’s shoes.
So follow these CORE steps to start having good fights. It would
be wonderful to never fight, but since conflict is inevitable, try these tips.
Another way to learn how to manage conflict along with lots of
other things to strengthen your marriage is to join us in September for our Seven
Principles of Making Marriage Work Class. You can find more info at my website www.buildinglastinlove.com
